Francis Black (francisblack) wrote,
Francis Black
francisblack

Marmite

Occultech Public Safety Advisory


Marmite


What is it? A thick black, salty yeast extract.

It was known as far back as the 1680s that the yeast used in brewing beer could be transformed into a thick spread, but it was the German chemist Justus von Liebig who discovered that the addition of carefully1 processed Shoggoth would greatly improve texture and flavour. Unfortunately, it wasn't until years later that a method for processing large amounts of this yeast/Shoggoth extract was discovered.

The Marmite Food Company Ltd was formed in 1902 in Burton-upon-Trent. Between the large number of brewers in the town and the tidal bore drawing in Shoggoths from the North Sea to be processed into Marmite, it was a perfect location for the new company.

Today Marmite is sold around the world, and it's rumoured that Best Foods Inc. is breeding Shoggoths specifically for converting into Marmite.

The low concentration of Shoggoth in the Marmite, combined with the high salinity of the spread, keeps the Shoggoth largely inert. An extremely large quantity of Marmite would have to be gathered and then processed in order for the Shoggoth content to pose a danger. However, there have been isolated reports of Marmite shipments being attacked by large, amorphous creatures. In all cases, the driver managed to escape while the assailant was busy destroying or consuming the shipment. Remains of the truck were often found some distance away, and barely recognizable. Presumably, there are also cases where the driver didn't manage to escape, but those would be under-reported due to the primary witness not being in any state to report it.

1 Because when dealing with Shoggoths, one can never be too careful.

Where can I acquire this scrumptious spread? Most grocery stores should carry it, although it may be with baking goods.

What should I do should I acquire some? Spread it on toast, crackers or bread... but very, very thinly. Or just send it to me. I like the stuff.
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